McCHRYSTAL METH

     A few months ago on MSNBC's Morning Joe, GEN(R) Stanely McChrystal -- the former top Commander in Afghanistan -- made a since-gone-viral statement about the ongoing firearms controversy.  While I'm sure he had the country's best interests at heart, his comments were irresponsibly misleading and pissed me off more than people who pay with checks.   He said,

"I spent a career typically carrying either an M16 or an M4 Carbine.  An M4 Carbine fires a .223 caliber round which is 5.56 millimeters at 3,000 feet per second.  When it hits a human body, the effects are devastating.  It's designed for that.  That's what our Soldiers ought to carry.  I personnally don't think there's any need for that kind of weaponry on the streets and particularly around the schools in America."

     While entirely factual, GEN(R) McChrystal's comments feature entirely too much stick and not enough carrot.  Let's compare the bullet size and speed of his M4 Carbine "assault rifle" to that of say......the method of firearm-self-defense preferred by most gun control advocates, a handgun.

     When GEN(R) McChrystal was not "typically carrying" an M16/M4, he -- like most senior Army officers -- was armed with a 9mm Beretta (M9) handgun.  Unlike the aforementioned M4 Carbine, an M9 fires a round that is 9.01 millimeters at a rate of 1,250 feet per second; that's nearly twice the size and 1/3 the speed.  Not to mention, 5.56mm rounds are shaped like this:

     While 9mm rounds are shaped like this:

     After conducting a relatively effortless comparative analysis, you should be ready to answer the following question:  Which weapon would you rather have fired at you?  The truth is, besides the unique mission set of war, there's a very good reason our Soldiers carry M4 Carbines: the shape, size, and velocity of a 5.56mm round is designed to create an exit wound.  In turn, what you have is a wounded combatant; these require medical attention and evacuation, which require additional Soldiers that are no longer able to shoot at you.  On the other hand, the ammunition fired from a handgun will likely ricochet around your thoracic and peritoneal cavities, and destroy all your internal organs.

     Still not sold?  It's ok...there're plenty of situations where bigger + slower = better.

 

 

 

THE PUERTO RICAN TRIATHLON

As much as I enjoy constructing ridiculous arguments about the validity of my chosen (future) profession, that four page single-spaced essay was mentally exhausting; it felt like I was in college again….I just wasn’t drunk when I wrote this one (but only because I was at work).  Actually, as I’m writing this, it’s occurring to me that “because I was at work” may not even be an acceptable excuse.  Anyway, this entry will be an entertaining tale of dedication, will power, and perseverance.

No shit there I was . . .

This particular incident occurred in Puerto Rico, a place that the Army Men’s Swimming (AM∑) team frequents during our Christmas break.  Much like other swim teams, AM∑ takes a two-week-long, school-sponsored (in this case, taxpayer-sponsored) training trip to a tropical destination because – as an athlete doing three workouts per day – it makes you want to kill yourself a little less when it’s sunny outside.  Traditionally, on New Year’s Day, the coaches would always write an absurdly long and painful workout that was basically the peak of our training trip in both duration and intensity.  In our case – and a lot of other swim teams do the same thing – we did 100x100’s; that’s 100 meters, 100 times…and, yes, it sucks as much as it sounds.  As you can imagine, workouts like this have an overwhelming impact on the appetite of a 20-something-year-old athlete, which is where the brunt of this story lies.

Following the “Feliz Ano Nuevo” practice (imagine a bunch gringos shouting this at random Puerto Ricans over a period of time that was New Year’s +/- 3 days), we would participate in a teammate-sanctioned tradition called the “Puerto Rican Triathlon.”  It’s a very simple competition, in which participants do the following (consecutively, in the same night):

1.      Eat a 1-pound burger from Fuddrucker’s

2.      Eat a 5-scoop sundae from Baskin-Robbins (team-dubbed the “Uncle Dezil Special”)

3.      Eat 4 tacos from Taco Bell (2 hard, 2 soft)

According to my calculation, that’s approximately 3500 calories or twice the average daily caloric intake per capita in most African nations.  Needless to say, this is a considerable digestive feat.  Over the course of my collegiate career, people succeeded to varying degrees, but one episode of this competition remained particularly noteworthy.

               One of the swimmers and my classmate, let’s call him Kerry, was always unable to complete the most standard of masculine tasks – eating the one-pound hamburger.  It’s in our genes, written into our DNA; but for some reason, Kerry could never make it past the first challenge.  Of course, not only was this personally frustrating to him, but his gastric plight also created a fury of ridicule amongst the teammates.  During his junior year, he tried to find a loophole in the man-rules by separating the components of his burger, i.e. eating the meat and throwing away the bread.  For obvious reasons, this was not well-received by the other swimmers.  Not only was he unable to finish a one-pound burger, he didn’t even know what a burger was!  How un-American is that??  Nevertheless, after three years of failure, Kerry’s seasoned resolve would culminate in one of the most willful displays of dedication I have ever witnessed.

               The Great Puerto Rican Triathlon of 2008 started out like normal – reports of several homicides due to stray celebratory NYE gunfire, inappropriately animated reactions to our success/failure at guessing the temperature on a scrolling electronic billboard, and failed attempts to convince the coaching staff to take us to the Bacardi factory.  To set the stage, during this trip, I was no longer swimming due to some ridiculous restriction on how many years you can participate in collegiate athletics.  Whatever.  In what I consider to be a favorable trade-off, I got to drive one of the team vans.  After bringing some of the swimmers back to the hotel, I arrived at the Fuddrucker’s in time to see Kerry had completed 75% of his burger and, in true fashion, he was the only swimmer left in the restaurant.  I ordered my meal, sat down to chat, and began offering some nonchalant, but obligatory, encouragement.  A bite or two later (30 minutes real-time), two of the sub-120-pound female divers returned to Fuddrucker’s (this is where the vans were staged) and officially announced that they had already completed the entire Triathlon.  As more swimmers returned with their tales of success, Kerry – although visibly defeated – was down to his final bite.

               Now, when I say “bite,” I’m probably underestimating the size of the remaining portion, so let’s say it was “bite+.”  Not that this story needs any more foreplay, but this bite+ of meat, cheese, bread, bacon, and grease was the only thing standing in the way of erasing three years of teammate-driven, digestive emasculation.  After a few gulps of water and some newfound motivation (I could see it in his eyes), Kerry adopted a technique of ingestion that would probably get most competitive eaters disqualified.  With his right hand, he reached out and took positive control of his destiny (I’m using destiny to mean hamburger here).  With his left, he grabbed his jaw and opened his mouth nearly to the point of dislocation.  Then, in what I could only imagine as him trying to surprise his stomach, he forcibly shoved his last bite down his throat, past his gag reflex, and to the point of peristalsis.  Once he ensured its safe passage to his stomach, he removed his arm from his mouth, took a gulp of water, and notched his victory with an emphatic, “THERE!”

               I WAS PROUD OF HIM…for the entire 10 seconds his food stayed down.  It was like his stomach believed in the Golden Rule and tried to surprise his mouth and the crowd of swimmers that had gathered.  Luckily, he threw up in one of those black basket-plate hybrids with the sheet of paper on it, so the damage was minimal.  On the other hand, it certainly helped concentrate his regurgitation into what looked like a loaf of bread and a 1-pound burger run through a garbage disposal and a dishwasher.  It was disgusting; it was dark, wet, smelly, and chunky.  To boot, what stood out from this abominable puddle of burger and shame, was the exact bite+ sized chunk of food that was such an obstacle to him two minutes earlier.  As you can imagine, there are quite a few man-rules that caused the crowd to uproar with cheers of mockery and dissatisfaction.  “THAT DOESN’T COUNT!” they insisted.  Kerry had failed again.

               The remainder of the story should probably have a Surgeon General’s Warning.  The story I promised you was one of dedication, will power, and perseverance.  To this day, I still have not personally witnessed anything more inspiring.  What I saw parallels the determination of Anne Frank and her posthumous triumphs against the Third Reich.   In an unprecedented turn of events, Kerry gave the crowd a metaphoric middle finger, picked the sopping-wet chunk of gastric-acid soaked burger off his plate, and shoved it back down his throat.  He might as well have been cast in Japanese porn and had girls piss and shit all over him, then be forced to eat it.  As repulsive as that sounds, his stomach had no choice.  There were more pressing issues than the texture and consistency of his food…like pleasing a crowd of immature men and getting three-years’ worth of sand from his vagina.  In the end, he had a goal to accomplish…and to his credit, from then on, no one questioned his resolve.  As a wise TMX would say, “Don’t let your body scream louder than your heart.”

WHY POKER PLAYERS ARE BETTER THAN YOUR HONOR STUDENT

            Imagine a subset of the real world designed to develop our nation’s youth and facilitate their becoming productive members of society; a place where young minds can gather to learn from others, exchange ideas, and develop practical skills; a place where tomorrow’s leaders gather to leverage our existing base of knowledge in order to propel society to greatness.  If the word “school” came to mind, I’m about to mindfuck you.

            Let me be more clear.  Most people think the best way to develop our youth is with “highly-trained” educators, classrooms, and books.  I say bullshit.  For one, it is widely known that our system of public education has some gaping holes: inability of standardized testing to validate intelligence, failure to appropriately motivate and reimburse teachers, inability to hold students accountable for poor performance, and inequality in resourcing within different socioeconomic backgrounds…among others.  Second, that inefficiency is costly.  Each year, we spend over $800 billion on knowledge that can be obtained in your underwear using Wikipedia and what do we have to show for it?  Beyond-irresponsible amounts of student debt and Occupy Wall Street.

            Don’t get me wrong.  There are certainly benefits to a structured educational system (particularly at lower levels where students need to understand basic intellectual concepts, as well as develop social skills); however – and this is important – THERE IS NO CAUSAL RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN SYSTEMIC EDUCATION AND SUCCESS IN LIFE.  But what does it all mean, Basil?  Well, at the end of the day, we’re doing the next generation a disservice; we’re not adequately providing our students with the tools they need to be successful.  Do I have a better solution?  I thought you’d never ask.  Instead of wasting their time in high school and college classrooms, listening to modestly educated teachers spoon-feed information only 10% of which will be retained (see Ebbinghaus), students would be better off spending their time at poker table.

            Now, before you get your panties in a twist, poker is NOT gambling; it's a game of skill and the U.S. court system is slowly recognizing that.  If you're not going to come to terms with that, stop reading and drink the bleach under your sink.  Otherwise, below are four areas – necessary for real-world success – in which a group of poker players would outperform your honor student.

Critical thinking. One of the most important ways an individual contributes to society is through critical thinking; the ability to analyze and interpret information goes a long way toward expanding our knowledge of the world and challenging our perceptions of reality.  Despite the occasional Mr. Powell (my engaging and overqualified high school physics teacher), classroom instruction is largely focused around the recall and recognition of facts that the majority of students either A.) don’t care about or B.) will never use after the SAT.  Why does a retail salesperson or an office clerk (two of America’s most common jobs) need to understand the Pauli Exclusion Principle?  They don’t.  But what about higher-level learning and research, you ask?  Individuals destined or motivated enough to seek an advanced education will undoubtedly do so; they’ll be groomed by industry and/or academia to develop the 21^st Century’s Theory of Relativity.  Not everyone needs to go to college…and I will expand on that topic later.

            On the contrary, the poker community fosters an environment where the ability to decipher complex mathematical, logical, and psychological situations is rewarded.  Although there are facts to be recalled (e.g. flushes are higher than straights), the majority of a player’s thinking takes place in the frontal lobe, not the hippocampus.  During a single poker hand, each player must identify, integrate, and interpret several situational factors that define the game’s non-linear outcomes.  For example, a poker hand begins with each player receiving two cards; before making the first decision (to play or not to play), good players will base their decision on the following factors:

-       Cards dealt

-       Number of players

-       Position relative to other players

-       Relative stack sizes

-       Outcomes of previous hands

-       What other players think of you

-       Action that has already occurred

-       Tells you may have picked up

That’s just one decision.  As the hand progresses, each decision becomes more complex as additional variables are introduced.  Each poker hand lasts approximately 2-3 minutes and, although it varies, an average poker session probably lasts for a few hours.  When was the last time your teacher gave you a task that demanding?

            In the end, participants are rewarded with a strengthening of the neural connections in their frontal lobes.  In school, all we’re doing is developing a bunch of overpriced monkeys to memorize facts and choose A, B, C, or D.  According to the U.S. Census Bureau, we spent $10,615 per student in 2010; here’s an idea: let’s take 10% of that money, give every high-school-aged student $1,000, and let them play some cards.  In the end, Americans might actually figure out HOW to use their brains, not just see WHAT’S in it.

Socialization. A common and legitimate argument for public schooling is to encourage the interaction and cooperation amongst peers.  The merits of socialization can be easily identified after observing any retard that’s been home-schooled.  The problem with social interaction in public schools is that – chances are – you were going to be friends with those people anyway (unless your pinko commie parents have something against street hockey); in addition, public schools cap the range of individuals with whom students can interact.  Have you ever been to a casino?  On any given night, I could find you a guy with a PhD in Astrophysics, a guy trying to steal my ATM pin, and everything in between.  Anyone trying to argue that an interaction with the “ATM pin thief” has no positive value is an idiot.  You may not want to interact with him as much as the astrophysicist, but both contribute toward our understanding of the human race.

So, why are these interactions important?  Well, as President Obama has so generously pointed out, “You didn’t build that.”  Exactly 0% of humans have contributed something to society that wasn’t – in some way, shape, or form – the byproduct of their interaction with another person.  In turn, the more people with which we interact, the more ideas, concepts, and beliefs we can leverage to enhance our society.  In addition, the more intelligent and successful individuals will tend to gravitate toward each other; this will propagate the most valuable ideas across an essentially unlimited network of social contacts (unlike high schools, which are localized and socioeconomically divided – poker players travel a lot).  But what about colleges????  I guarantee that every single time you sit down at a casino-run poker game, you will interact with someone new.  How many of you do that while you’re in line for a smoothie at the Student Union?  Who among you strikes up a convo with your neighbor in your 1,000,000 person lecture hall?

Furthermore, poker rooms don’t have a curriculum.  Now, you might be thinking, “Table talk is probably just random chit-chat.”  Sometimes...but a lot of the conversation is current event driven (poker room TV’s help, ldo).  Whether it’s sports, politics, crime, science, or economics, there will be a logical set of relevant topics for people to gravitate toward.  Finally, the impetus for this well-rounded and wide-spread socialization is described in the next paragraph: Social Darwinism.  This is how we ensure we don’t end up with poker tables full of like-minded cliques.  The profit has to flow from somewhere and it’s usually undesirable and more difficult to take money from people that act and think like you.     

            Social Darwinism. You know what we don’t have enough of?  Failure.  It is a necessary evolutionary principle; the slowest antelope gets eaten by the lion because it is the least valuable to the survival and prospering of its species.  For some reason, the human race – the smartest species to ever grace this planet (besides whatever built the Pyramids) – has forgotten that concept; we’re concerned with heat-winner ribbons and No Child Left Behind.  We ask questions like, “How can people shoot an innocent deer??”  Fuck the deer.  He tastes good and I’m hungry.  We’re slowly removing ourselves from the concept of natural selection; Ernst Mayr has some interesting thoughts on intelligence and evolution – look them up if you’re interested.

            Here’s the problem (and I alluded to this earlier): Not everyone is college material.  Teachers waste time on below average students under the delusion that it’s important for them to receive a higher education.  ORLY?  Did you watch the Occupy movement?  Let me sum it up for you:

“I’m Joe Student.  I spent the last four years skipping class, drinking, and having mediocre, short-lived sex and all I got was an overpriced liberal arts degree.  Now I can’t find a job and have an insane amount of debt that I’ll be paying off for the next 30 years.  I guess I’ll beg the federal government to help assuage my bad decisions.”

We’re grooming a society of mediocre, entitlement-driven hippies that don’t find out they’re worthless until they’ve placed an enormous social, financial, and political burden on this country.  Now, back to poker.  Poker will easily facilitate the success and demise of the appropriate classes of individuals – i.e. those who are smart and/or hard-working will find a way to be successful.  Say someone doesn’t like poker, there is a large population of people who find profit by investing in other successful poker players (“stakers”).  In turn, they have free time to pursue a hobby or job they actually enjoy, which undoubtedly provides a service to society, AND they’re debt free.  What about metal/wood working, agriculture, auto repair, and carpentry?  These are some of the skills that helped build our society and now their value is diluted by the costs of higher education (apprenticeship is a much more direct and efficient system).  Poker, like any other capitalist enterprise, will help reinforce the relationships between goods, services, supply, and demand; an environment in which the players have needs that can be fulfilled by the other players.  It’s a system in which participants cooperate amongst each other (if desired) to achieve both individual and collective success.

            So what about the bottom of the totem pole?  Those that choose not to participate or those who lack a practical level of competence will outcast themselves; they won’t make money, they won’t get girls, they won’t have friends and, hopefully, they won’t procreate.  As a wise Judge Smails once said, “Well, the world needs ditch diggers too.”  Ditch diggers, despite the connotation, actually do provide a valuable service.  If we look another standard deviation or so down the bell curve of societal potential, some people are going to be dead-beats and we can’t help that.  School, however, postpones this system, gives students a false sense of how the world works, and charges about $1,000/month for a good portion of your life.

Real-world skills.  As much as I appreciate the efforts of my dumbass, 8^th grade Home-Ec teacher, if that’s the closest we can get to imparting real-world skills to our youth, we’re in trouble.  High school resembles the real world about as much as my dick resembles Ron Jeremy’s.  As a poker player, you are your own boss; there’s no one telling you where to be, when to be there, what to wear, what to do, and how to do it….it’s a facilitator.  If we thrust a 16 year old into a do-or-die situation, he’s going to figure out how to cook, clean, and do his laundry in between his video games and masturbation.  It’s a system that rewards time management, organization, financial responsibility, cost-benefit analysis, introspection, and cooperation.

But wait….doesn’t school foster these qualities?  Yes, it does.  The difference, however, is that poker reinforces the pleasure principle and motivates with something of greater relative value: money.  With money, you can do whatever you want…literally.  Here’s a brief list:

-       Start your own business

-       Buy a house

-       Pay someone to clean your house

-       Pay someone to grocery shop

-       Hookers and blow

-       Buy a car

-       Travel

-       Buy your girlfriend something nice

Unfortunately, you can’t do much with your A+.  Unless you’re able to translate that educational success into real-world achievement, you’re fucked.  With poker, you’re already in the “system.”  Don’t have connections or job prospects?  No problem…stay a while longer, enjoy yourself; it’s not like you have to file for unemployment (remember, you didn’t pay $40,000/year to play poker) or sacrifice your goals/desires/dreams to work for “the man” in order to make ends meet.  People spend 40 years working in some minimally satisfying job to make enough money to enjoy their 60s and 70s.  LOLWAT?  Urdoingitwrong.jpg.  Above all – and for lack of a better place to put it – poker allows you to spend more time with family and friends and doing the things you want to do; isn’t that what life’s all about?  If you don’t think so, enjoy your cubicle, asshole, I’m sure you’ll find it to be amazingly satisfying.

Now, back to my original contention (yeah, 3 pages ago); poker, like education, is an industry the foundation of which is a culmination of the critical tasks described above.  In the end, both systems will produce successes and failures; however, it is the average student with which we should be most concerned.  Unlike school, a poker game has the potential to turn a run-of-the-mill student into a societal gem.  So what’s the point?  Poker, despite its recent legislative gains, remains a highly regulated activity with a precarious reputation; while, on the other hand, schools are about as common as AIDS in Africa.  It’s time we start using a little more common sense when it comes to the future of our society.  It’s time we start thinking about what’s best for our children.  Besides, if we start getting rid of schools, we’d have a lot less school shootings….and who can argue with that?